so I adore storms, at it is 12:40 am and I haven't slept in over a month for any signifigant portion of time and it's raining, lightening etc. I haven't slept becuase of tension in the house, hatred for myself, inner turmoil and fear. Everyone has been fighting, mom and dad, dad and peter, peter and mom everything has hit the fan, I'm always scarred if peter doesn't answer when I call him that he's killed himself, mom just up and left with no warning the other day, dad has had to come home from work, after I left when all I heard was "I'm calling 911 and your father" I've been leaving the house all the time, told some friends I may have to stay at their house. I haven't been alone in my house at night in weeks now. I've become so depressed and reclusive that I wanted to just stop breathing at the thought of going back to school. I've actually been pondering the best way to die, I decided while at the park that drowning in a beautiful creek while enjoying nature for the last minutes would be nice. then I realized it was time for me to leave the creek before I wanted to try enough to actually lay face down............... Over the break I barely called anyone, I couldn't stand dealing with most people, I realized I had lost any normal human emotion, my time was spent with older men, Alex, Sean, Peter, Victor, Jason etc and Lauren for the most part. I went and saw a few of the girls my age a few times, and for the most part hated every long drawn out over dramatic annoying and whinny second of it all. I am so afraid that if I fall asleep for any length of time that I'll have tried to kill myself again, I woke up hanging in my closet again. There are three main reasons that I haven't killed myself though 1.)I am religious, I believe in karmic evolution, I would be reborn as some tortured pet bought to replace me as a child in my own family, 2.)my mother and brother wouldn't been far after me, 3.)my friends probably couldn't handle it, not after everything else, school had sam, jason and racheal still deal with the accident everyday, and close friends have all lost someone lately, or so it seems. I've practically lost contact with the human world, and the people I used to go to, and the ones I used to like, the ones I used to love. I don't know what to do anymore...